Welcome to Clausen.
We welcome prospective students to "Student Preview Night" at the fictional small town university in a non-descript town, Clausen College. Each month, we highlight a different academic department featuring presentations by professors, alumni, active students, and even a stand up comedian all the way from Los Angeles, California for supplemental entertainment. Previous speakers include Andy Kindler, Jamie Lee, Guy Branum, Kate Micucci and Brent Weinbach. Here is a look at the departments covered last year
English, Psychology, Philosophy, Geology, Physics, Business, Dance & Movement, Archeology, Sociology, & Library Sciences
Areas of Study
On behalf of all of the administrators and faculty here at Clausen, we thank you for your interest in higher education. We can assure you that we have enough departments to suit your interests.
Debits, credits, and accruals, oh my! Do those words sound fun to you? They do?! Thank goodness, because our accounting department rarely receives a yes to that question. Usually we just remind students, what we lack in excitement, we make up in graduating with job security!
100% of our psychology classes are 100% based on Freud’s ideology. We are proud to say we are the only university who abides by a strict study of Freud. So if you’re looking for the breast degree ever, you’re in the right place! Consider applying to major in Psychology!
Do you believe in magic? We do. The magic of molecules, that is! Chemical substances make everything; they also make everything better! Join our department to discover the hidden wonders of you and everything around you! Could it be that humans are just larger and more complex versions of cells? And overpopulation is just a macrocosmic cancer, rapidly proliferating and killing the organism that is our planet? Yes!
television & Film
Some people think majoring in TV & Film isn’t a “real” degree. Well we’re here to write those people into our scripts and immortalize them as the worst people in entertainment! Were you arrested for smoking a little reefer by a guy named Officer Crawford? Well, he could be the antichrist in your undergrad thesis film! A degree in TV & Film is more than making movies - you’re creating history. Come create with us today!
If you think love makes the world go ‘round you need to get the heck out of here and make way for those who know the truth: $$money$$ runs our world. If you love money and want to learn how to make one money into two moneys then Business School is the place for you! We will teach you about stocks, financing, checkbooks, and more business-y topics.
Our English department teaches students everything they need to know about literature: syllables, rhymes, the ABCs, and more. Books can be a portal to another world. So as an English major, when you open a book, you’re basically a scientist explorer. Wow, two for one! That’s a-maz-ing.
Do you constantly fail at rock, paper, scissors because you constantly choose rock? We welcome you to the geology department where we are all just like you! Everyone in the department always ends up in a tie, so we’ve officially decided we are all winners here! Rocks, rocks, and more rocks!
DIGITAL MEDIA & TECHNOLOGY
The internet, software, and technology are so pervasive that we can’t remember having ever lived without them. They make our lives simpler, but behind the curtain are a lot of complicated science topics that are hard to explain. Enroll here, and we'll tell you as much as we understand on the issue.
You know how there’s no crying in baseball, well there’s no laughing in statistics. People consider statistics a total joke since the last presidential election. We have a lot of progress to make so people stop thinking statistics are pointless (your words, not mine). Come to class, STFU, and learn.
This department’s name was recently changed from Fine Art due to local high schoolers calling it the F. Art department on their applications. Nonetheless, the art here is still fine, well the art that survived the fire that is. We welcome almost all aspiring artists! (No pyro technicians please.)
FASHION, APPAREL & TEXTILEs
Fashion is more than a sale at your local Dillard’s; it’s both art and a lifestyle. You might think that it’s tacky to mix patterns but in 2017 nothing is off limits! Come learn about the ways fashion has oppressed and empowered the outliers of society. Don’t forget to wear your best shirt while learning!
Some people say a theatre degree is useless, and to those people we bite our thumbs! That was Shakespeare we just referenced. See, it’s not a pointless degree. Our drama students go on to quote obscure plays and annoyingly point out references in pop culture. Heck, one day we might even see them on Broadway sweeping the street and picking up trash.